You have just left a meeting with your manager and you are incensed. You asked for some time to discuss a problem that has caused you many sleepless nights. No sooner had you explained the problem, when your manager said, "let me tell you about a time when I had a similar situation." She went on for fifteen minutes in excruciating detail. She then stated, "I hope my story gives you some ideas about how to address your problem." At this point you wanted to get up and leave.

Where did things go wrong in the above scenario and what can we learn from it? First of all, let's assume that the manager's heart was in the right place. She wanted to be helpful. The employee's problem, however, triggered a memory of a situation in her life that she felt compelled to describe. Where did she go wrong?

1. She failed to ask which role the employee wanted her to take. Did he want her to just hear him think out loud? Explore options for solving the problem? Solve the problem?

2. She assumed that her story was relevant to the employee's situation and what worked for her would work for him.

3. Their meeting quickly became a monologue. The manager talked and the employee listened. Is it any surprise that the employee left incensed?

4. There was no problem solving and no coaching. By telling her story, the manager took the path of least resistance.

The next time an employees comes to you with a problem:

• Ask questions to better define the situation.

• Ask the person to clarify the role they would like you to take.

• Help him or her explore a variety of options and their consequences.

• Don't offer solutions through personal anecdotes and hope that will resolve the situation.

Personal stories and anecdotes can be effective in teaching or illustrating a point. They are best reserved for the middle to latter parts of coaching situations. To dispense such stories early in a coaching meeting usually is not helpful. Establish a good understanding of the problem and your role in resolving it. Then consider the merits of using stories from your personal experience. Try this approach and you will see significant results. I know it takes discipline, but it's well worth the effort.

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