I am new to an organization and am working hard at building relationships with my colleagues. I'm trying to tell occasional jokes, ask questions about other people's hobbies and check to see if I can be of assistance on their projects. My efforts, to date, are not working well. The only feedback I have received is that I appear to be trying too hard. What advice do you have that would help me build relationships?

I applaud your efforts to build solid work relationships. Too often we are taught that connecting with others through common interests and humor is a foolproof process. Many years ago, as a young human resource manager, I took this advice to heart and learned a painful lesson. Like most people in my profession, I had a steady stream of people coming to my office for advice, counsel and direction. I would frequently greet these individuals with a smile and a bit of light humor. It didn't take long for me to learn that this approach was potentially disastrous. As you can imagine, employees often approach human resource managers with very serious problems including medical issues, concerns with discrimination and problems with colleagues or their manager. Humor certainly was not the best way to welcome an employee in such situations.

My initial experiences resulted in a new approach that first focused on the demeanor of the employee, followed by a few questions to determine the nature of the visit. I was learning to apply the most neglected of all communication skills, observation. Most of us have been trained in listening, giving feedback and asking questions, but rarely do we hear about the importance of observation. In your new work situation, try holding back on verbally engaging an individual until you spend a few seconds observing his or her posture, tone of voice and facial expression. You will often discover cues that will be helpful in deciding whether to engage the person or possibly "give them space." Try focusing less on the right story or joke and more on sensing the person's overall demeanor. I believe that your comments will be perceived as more authentic, less forced and more appealing to your colleagues. The role of observation is often overlooked as an important part of the communication process. Add it to your repertoire and watch the quality of your relationships soar.

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