I'm a lead engineer for a North Carolina medical device company. This is my first time in a leadership role. In the past, someone else took care of the difficult "people stuff' and I concentrated on engineering. The area I'm currently finding most difficult is addressing conflict within my team or with other teams. I find myself either withdrawing or becoming too aggressive and making matters worse. We are a small company and there is no training available to help me improve in this area. What advice can you give me?

You have discovered a truism in leadership, the more responsibility you take on, the more you will be faced with situations involving conflict. I'm limited due to space constraints, but would like to initially offer a three-step process for you to consider. As you apply these steps and get more experience, I believe that you will become more comfortable in your leadership role. I also discussed your question with three well respected business associates to get their perspective. Their comments appear in the recommendations below.

1. Review Your Own Response to Conflict

   Whenever you are disappointed in your own response to conflict, take a deep breath and think about what is driving your behavior. Is it fear, control or possibly personality differences? Succeeding as a leader requires that you become more of a thermostat than a barometer. Your behavior can positively or negatively influence the people you are engaged with. When you are fearful, want to control outcomes or are reacting negatively to the personalities of others, you end up creating more conflict and exacerbating the situation. You need to be operating from a position that is calm and objective to effectively work through disagreements. Make sure you select times when you are not feeling upset to discuss hot issues and remember that leadership is all about building relationships. Tom Fallon, Director of Quality and Regulatory Systems for Northrop Grumman in Illinois is a veteran of many difficult negotiations. In a recent conversation he stated, "It's important to focus on building long-term relationships so that we can solve short-term problems."

2. Reframe Conflict Management as Problem Solving

   It is easy for conflict situations to deteriorate into win-lose scenarios. Our competitive juices will kick in, eliminating any opportunity for logical thinking. Even if you have more power or use a strong personality to force you own point of view, you will lose in the long run.

   Try to determine the other person's position and paraphrase it for him or her. Tom Byrne, Director, Reimbursement & Outcomes Planning at Boston Scientific Corporation reinforced this for me in a recent telephone conversation, "In attempting to resolve a conflict with another department, it helps to indicate an appreciation for the other person's perspective. In addition, it's important to indicate a desire to work through the issues in the interest of the business." Tom is advocating a philosophy of cooperation instead of confrontation.

3. Respond with Positive Action

   Knowing what to do when faced with situations involving conflict is critical. This is not an area where you want to fly by the seat of your pants as a leader. In addition to the recommendations in the above steps, consider using the following.

   When resistance is high consider these alternatives:

   1. Define Roles and Responsibilities

      Andrea Sinclair, Director of Human Resources at Vertex Pharmaceuticals in Cambridge, MA advises, "When conflict arises, make sure everyone involved is clear on roles and responsibilities. Once this is done, issues become easier to resolve and people can move ahead."

   2. Listen Respectfully

      When people appear to be questioning our authority or undermining our arguments, it is natural to want to interrupt and set them straight. Colonel Randy Russell, MD is an officer in the Canadian Air Force. While a student in my Communication Skills for Managers course at the Harvard School of Public Health, he offered the following suggestion to handle defensiveness and the urge to attack. Take a deep breath and ask two questions, any questions that will give you a chance to calm down and be less emotional. Try this the next time you are at risk of escalating a conflict and see what a powerful difference it will make for you.

   3. Identify Common Points of Agreement

      What are the things that you and the people you are in conflict with agree on? As a leader, albeit a new leader, you can prevent polarization by pointing out areas of agreement, such as the gaining market share from the competition, serving the customer or how the medical device you are working on will help patients. These agreements will form a foundation from which you can then work through your differences.

I hope the Three Rs of Managing Conflict are helpful to you. Let me know how things work out.