I need your advice in dealing with a colleague for whom I have become a favorite target of snide remarks, sarcasm and put-downs. I have tried ignoring Harry (not his real name) but that hasn't helped. He is far more gifted than I at verbal sparing and I hesitate to respond with similar comments. I'm worried that his remarks might eventually erode my credibility with my colleagues and manager. Please give me some recommendations quickly before I lose my cool with this guy and make matters worse.

L. D.
Providence, RI

You may not share my observation, but I have found that characters like Harry don't treat everyone alike. There are some people with whom they are always fairly polite and others who they single out as targets. As difficult as it may be, first think about why you have become the victim of Harry's taunts. The answer can range from competitiveness to personal behaviors that touch a nerve in Harry. With that said, the following is a hierarchy of ways to respond to Harry and others like him.

1. Stay out of harms way. Limit your exposure to Harry. Only interact with him when it is absolutely necessary.

2. Talk to someone who is good with difficult people and who knows Harry. Ask him or her to recommend strategies for dealing with Harry. Also ask them if you are setting yourself up in any way to become a target.

3. Take Harry aside and tell him that you would appreciate him keeping his comments to himself. If possible, reference a recent situation as an example.

4. If and only if you are good with humor, deflect his comments with a humorous remark such as, "If you keep complementing me Harry, I will feel compelled to send you roses." Don't attempt this unless humor and wit come naturally to you.

5. The fine art of using threats. When all of the above fail to work, consider any leverage you have that can be used to influence Harry. For example, if there are services that you provide him, threaten to make him wait unless he stops the offensive comments. Do this only if you can back up your threats. If Harry can go to your manager and make you look bad, then this may not be the best strategy. However, if you have a lot of autonomy, then go for it.

Caution! It is tempting to go to your manager or Harry's manager and complain about his behavior. This should always be a last resort. Throughout your career you will encounter a wide assortment of people who are difficult and challenging. Look at each situation as an opportunity to expand you interpersonal repertoire. Study the people in your organization who are skillful with these difficult individuals and learn from them. The higher you go in life, the more complex these individuals will become. Look at this as a challenge and be very strategic in the way you respond

One additional comment: if you are a particularly sensitive person, it will be critical for you to master the fine art of dealing with insensitive people. This will be a life-long challenge for you but it can be mastered.